📍 SCENE: A filthy medieval village. Mud everywhere. People coughing up their lungs. Someone in the background is getting burned at the stake for looking at the sky too long.

🟤 Peasant 1 (Joffrey): Ah, another fine morning in our glorious kingdom!

⚫ Peasant 2 (Harold): Joffrey, shut the fuck up. We ain’t got food, the river is full of piss, and I saw a rat the size of a toddler last night.

🟤 Joffrey: Nonsense! The king has promised us prosperity!

Cut to the king's castle: A massive feast. The king is covered in gold and fur, gnawing on a turkey leg the size of a horse. Wine spills everywhere. Jesters are flipping for no reason.

👑 King Richard the Self-Important: A toast! To me! For keeping the kingdom in perfect condition!

Cut back to the village: A guy is literally drinking rainwater out of his shoe.

⚫ Harold: Yeah, perfect condition my ass.

Suddenly, a loud horn blares. A knight in rusty-ass armor rides into the village on a horse that looks so done with life.

🛡️ Sir Reginald: HEAR YE, HEAR YE! THE KING DEMANDS ALL PEASANTS PAY THEIR TAXES!

🟤 Joffrey: But sir, we have no money!

🛡️ Sir Reginald: Then pay with wheat!

⚫ Harold: We ain’t got wheat either, nigga! You took it last month!

🛡️ Sir Reginald: Then pay with… um… your daughter?

Silence. The entire village just stares at this man.

⚫ Harold: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Suddenly, an old, plague-ridden man hobbles forward, coughing directly into his own hands like an absolute menace.

☠️ Old Man Bernard: Do not worry, young ones… The Black Death will solve all our problems soon enough.

Everyone just slowly backs away from him.

🟤 Joffrey: How do we even get rid of the plague?

☠️ Old Man Bernard: Easy! We blame the witches and the Jews!

Cut to a random woman being dragged away by angry villagers.

👩 Random Woman: Bro, I just said I like cats—

🔥 Village Leader: WITCH!!!

They immediately set her on fire. No trial, no nothing.

⚫ Harold: Niggas really just made up any excuse to kill people.

Suddenly, a messenger sprints into the village, gasping for breath.

📜 Messenger: ALERT! ALERT! THE KING IS DECLARING WAR ON FRANCE!

🟤 Joffrey: What did France do?

📜 Messenger: They EXIST!

The whole village sighs.

⚫ Harold: Niggas, I just built my house back up!

Cut to an epic battlefield. Thousands of knights charge at each other. But instead of fighting, they just kinda poke each other with swords for like four hours until someone gets lucky.

⚪ French Knight: Merde! Zis is pointless!

🔵 English Knight: Agreed. Shall we call it a draw?

⚪ French Knight: Oui.

Both sides immediately start drinking and playing medieval dice games like nothing happened.

📜 Messenger: in the distance WAR OVER! BACK TO TAXES!

Cut back to the village. Everything is on fire. A priest is yelling about doomsday. A knight is stealing someone’s wife in broad daylight. The rat from earlier is now mayor somehow.

⚫ Harold: Bro, medieval Europe is just a Dark Souls level.

Zoom out. Historians are analyzing a tapestry showing all of this.

👨‍🏫 Historian 1: So basically, life was horrible and people were dumb as shit?

👩‍🏫 Historian 2: Yeah, but at least we got castles out of it.